I'm a 52 year old woman who dances daily with the challanges of Multiple Sclerosis. I am 1 of the few people to actually walk out of a hospice. That miracle was the seed for a deep sense of gratitude, which has been growing inside me ever since. I must admit, it sometimes haunts me, as well. I work with that, & practice mindfulness & lovingkindness. "Practice" is the perfect word to describe it all, because you need to practice moment by moment . I also practice Tonglen meditation, which is a Buddhist meditation, sometimes called, "giving & taking", the idea being that you take in your own pain, as well as that of others and meditate on them, transforming them into love, joy and fulfillment. Basically it's taking in the bad and turning it around, releasing it in a powerfully positive way. It isn't easy, but always leaves me feeling better somehow. I live alone with my orange tabby, Milo.He was feral when I adopted him but, though still skittish, has mellowed out quite a bit & is very affectionate with me and some friends. He loves to curl up between my therapist and me on the couch, to snuggle with me while I'm writing, to be near or with me, including sleeping with me. I love him very much and know that, in his way, he loves me, too & that fels good. I've loved all animals for as long as I can remember and have worked with them all my life. Once a Vet Tech, I've since volunteered in various shelters & clinics. I've found that, as I've gotten older, my love has become an intense passion, burning deep in my soul. I suppose it is my woundedness and vulnerability that allows me to touch their's. Or my overwhelming joy that matches their overwhelming delight. It is the wordless healing, & growth, their amazing ability to forgive & their awesome unconditional love I seek to have & to learn how to give more of. I don't remember who said it, but somebody said, "Everything I learned, I learned from dogs." The teaching and learning goes back and forth in my mind. And I think that's just wordlessly amazing. And it's worth, is beyond measure.
I've spent more than 25 years of my life doing battle with a disease, searching for my purpose. And it's purpose. I believe we are here to learn what we need to. As a poet/writer, I have finally come into my own; and am currently putting together a book of my poetry for publication. That combined with writng for Best Friends & being an ambassador, and a member of the AAR community make me feel like, in my own small way, I am helping to make posiive changes for animals, such as, "No More Homeless Pets,", which I believe is a possible goal that can be achieved.
I'll still do the daily dance, but only for awhile, I have important things to attend to and I am humbled by the depth of my gratitude. I love to read and am reading a book all dog lovers need to read called, "A Pack of Two" and, "Indestructable Truth", a huge book about all the pieces that make up the puzzle of Tibetan Buddhism. Buddhism makes sense to me.
I am awaiting 2 things, a powerchair, which will allow me to get around on my own, and a service dog. I don't think Milo will be happy about the dog, but he will adjust, as he does with things and people who are consistant and, at the very least, they will tolerate each other. At best, I hope the dog will help pull Milo out and the 2 of them will become buddies. I will make sure the dog understands that Milo is a pack leader, along with me. I can't wait for the dog!
A year ago, on 9/11, my younger brother and only sibling died unexpectedly of an accidental O.D.
His death has changed me in ways I could never have imagined. As an addict & alcoholic, he began to lie and betray me and we weren't talking when he died, which makes it hard. There are things we needed to reconcile, which I'm now left to do myself. We were very close as kids, played endless hours of catch, and very involved in the
summers, building sandcastles with roads and motes, etc. I always say, it was so much like him to die on a day when the entire country lowers the flags. I pretend they are for him, but do not forget what happened to the World Trade Center. I grew up in the city and can remember them arguing about how the twin towers would, "spoil the view". I watched as they were built and sat speechless, watching them drop to their knees and then just crumble.
Back to the sea. One of my 1st memories is of my dad, holding me, taking me out beyond the breakers into a gentle sea. I think of myself as a waterbaby, & my brother as one, too. Two years ago, a very close and dear friend & I took a cruise to celebrate 30 years of loving each other in many different ways. We had a blast! We had a deck, and I loved the day when there was no land anywhere near us, just our boat in the ocean, the best. She is a waterbaby, too. When we docked @ the Bahamas, we didn't take the tour, but found a cab and asked to be taken to a local beach. The water was a warm aqua blue. Men walked the beach carrying coconuts and opening them in 1/2 in their way and I drank coconut milk right out of the coconut! My friend did, too, with a little bit of rum added. The 2nd drink was free. The people were so open and friendly and I loved to listen to them talk. Swimming in the pools on the boat was quite the experience, as well. They emptied every pool every night & filled each w/seawater early every morning. Swimming, especially in a warm, calm ocean is one of my favorite things in life. To get beyond the breakers and just rock softly in my float in endless water like a huge cradle. I have spent so much time in the oceans, I sometimes think I can still smell the salt on my skin. There is a line in , "A River Runs Through It", 1 of my favorite movies, & it is: "I am haunted by water." I can relate. Other fave movies are, "Dances with Wolves", "Sometimes a Great Notion", which is a 60's movie with Henry Fonda, Paul Newman, Michael Sarazan and a recognizable woman whose name I always forget. It's about a family of loggers, working while the other loggers are on strike. The scenery is just beautiful. Then there is, "Legends of the Fall" and, "Billy Elliot". That's a British movie about a family, a brother and father, the mother recently died and they lived with Billy's grandmother, too, who had altzeimers, though they didn't know it at the time. Billy wants to be a ballet dancer and gets much grief for it. His father and brother are firmly against Billy dancing, saying it's for, "lasses, not lads." The father and brother are both coal miners on strike. Billy develops a close relationship with his teacher and they practice secretly, so Billy can apply for the Royal Ballet. The music is great, but the best is watching Billy dancing, filled with joy, and really a talented dancer who is a delight to watch. It's really an uplifting movie, I guarantee it will bring a sense of happiness to you and I highly reccomend it.
I would love to visit Best Friends and have a sleepover w/1 of the lodge dogs, or better yet, to work there, but as the Rolling Stones sang, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need." How true. I used to play classical guitar until the zm.S. got in the way, but I so enjoy listening to classical guitar. I love Bob Dylan, Neil Young, "Van the Man", "The Boss" Jazz, classical music, Enya, Patti Smith, Maryanne Faithful, Kitaro; basically all music, even some rap if it's not violent.
I've finally come to believe that I am a good person and writer. My therapist says I have, "the biggest heart" she's ever known which can be good and bad when empathy kicks in. People are starting to tell me that I am an artist and I am finally starting to believe them.
Best Friends is 1 of the greatest gifts in my life and I am grateful that I found it and began writing for Washington state. I am also grateful for the people, those I don't know, those I've, "met" in webinars, and everyone involved with the sanctuary. I feel fortunate to be part of it and look forward to future articles & interactions. And I feel close to the dog I use as my icon. There's just something about him..........Oh, just a bit more. I love watching the Animal Planet, am a fan of Victoria Stilwell and was again deply touched as they re-ran, "The Grizzly Man Diaries". They are incredibly beautiful and amazing. I'll watch re-runs & new segments of, "The Dog Whisperer". I have learned much from him, as well as from, Victoria Stilwell, ("It's Me or the Dog"). I've also learned so much just from watching the Animal Planet. I'm also a big fan of Bill Maher, I hope I spelled his name right, but to me, he's right on.
And there you have it. May peace & joy abide.