The Crossing of a Loved One
Surviving the loss of a pet after humane euthanasia
By Jennifer Hayes, Best Friends Staff
Humane euthanasia of a beloved pet can be one of the most difficult, yet kind, acts we can do in life. While our heart weeps, we know that when our pet’s quality of life has deteriorated to the point where he or she is no longer comfortable or happy, that this is the final gift we can bestow upon them as a guardian and friend. However, knowledge of this fact does not make the decision any easier.
Dr. Linda Harper is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in grief and acts as the facilitator for the Chicago Veterinary Medical Association pet loss support group,
Wings. Harper says, “One of the common reactions is just a feeling of despair like ‘I can’t go on without this pet.’ That actually is a normal initial response.” She explains that in the years spent together with a pet, many events are shared. A whole new adjustment to life must be made after the loss of the companion.
Denial is often the first reaction to loss; generally anguish is not felt until later. She states that the “The feelings of grief and sadness come in waves.” There is no normal script from loss to acceptance. “They can feel like they are starting to adjust and all of a sudden anything; a leash, a certain season where they did something with a dog or cat, and that can just set all that grief in motion.”
However, when one is responsible for making the personal decision to end a pet’s life through humane euthanasia, feelings can be more complex. “When you come to the decision that you can end your pet’s suffering and face the reality that they are in the dying process and their life is coming to an end, but then you can hold them, be with them, gently let them go on to the next place and end their suffering, that can potentially bring lots of peace and comfort to the whole grieving process,” says Harper. “On the other hand…it is totally normal to feel guilty and almost everyone finds something to feel guilty about initially.” When someone makes the choice to put an animal to sleep, it is common to question whether it was done for personal reasons or if the act should have been delayed. Alternatively, there are also people who choose not to euthanize their companion and regret the decision, believing their delay caused preventable suffering. Regardless of a person’s choice, it is normal to have feelings of guilt.
Deciding to humanely euthanize is a painful decision. It is understandable that we wish for our pets to stay with us forever; however, if an animal is suffering and no longer displays a quality of life, difficult choices are often necessary. An assessment should be made to choose the appropriate time. Is your animal mobile without assistance, interested in eating and drinking, and able to eliminate without soiling him or herself? Does your pet still display playfulness, affection, and act as he or she had in the past? Is your companion in constant pain? These are difficult, but necessary, topics to consider. Though complicated and heart-wrenching, it is important to realize that humane euthanasia is a final act of love and respect.
Once someone loses a pet, “They need to understand this it [grief] is normal, that it takes time, and to let the process run its course.” Harper recommends allowing emotions to be felt, but that it is important to “take breaks from the feelings” and engage in other activities to provide distractions. For ongoing help, there are pet loss support groups (both live and online), hotlines, individual counseling, and the comfort of an understanding friend.
Prayers, Healing and SupportMarion Hale, Best Friends Animal Society Pet Loss and Online Memorials Coordinator, maintains the
Prayers, Healing and Support community. According to Hale, this online support group is “A place where people can come and share their feelings about animals that are seriously ill, having problems of one kind or another, or that have passed on recently or long ago. It is a safe place where they can talk among themselves with people who have been in the same place. It’s not all that easy to find that kind of understanding in the real world, because not everyone understands how important animals are to people.”
In our daily lives, in an effort to comfort a grieving friend, someone may unintentionally make an upsetting comment. Hale remembers in the book,
Maya’s First Rose, the suggestion that the author get another pet when his dog was dying. Hurt, he replied that when his mother had passed away, no one had suggested he obtain another mother. There are no such comments in Prayers, Healing and Support. “The most important thing about the community is that you can talk to people who completely understand where you are coming from and you can get support without judgment,” says Hale.
By sharing personal experiences associated with the loss and grief, members realize that they are not alone. In
“What This Circle of Healing Does” written by Marg Kowalski, she explains that newly grieving individuals are supported in the middle of the circle by others who have already traveled the same road and know the pitfalls. As time goes on, they grow stronger and those same people are now able to move to the outside of the circle, to provide much needed understanding to others whose pain is more recent. This “Circle of Healing” is provided by not just one person, but the entire membership in Prayers, Healing and Support.
Memorializing a pet is another way to further the healing process and keep their spirit alive. Create a web page, write a poem, or chronicle your treasured moments together while the memories are still fresh. Another way to honor a companion is to make a donation to an animal welfare organization. One such option is
Angels Rest Memorials. For a contribution in remembrance of a loved one (either a pet or person), your memorial notice and photo will be posted online. “Talking about a death is difficult because you get the lump in your throat, but you can ‘talk’ online, on your keyboard, or on paper. It’s a good way to express the feelings that you have to get a little bit of catharsis” comments Hale. “It’s also a way to say to the pet some of the things that you maybe wish you had remembered to say earlier.”
The memorials remain online indefinitely. Such a memory is nice to return to on anniversaries or when something jars a remembrance. “It’s so comforting to know that they have not been forgotten.” In addition to the online posting, copies printed on parchment paper are mailed out to the individual, which Hale says are treasured and often framed.
Hale has heard repeatedly that “Donating money is another way of bringing something positive out of something that is so very, very sad. In their memory, another animal is being helped.” She has even experienced it herself when her personal animals cross. The number of memorials submitted average around 400 a month and has more than doubled since she started maintaining the Angels Rest Memorials in 2000.
Hale is grateful to be able to help people at their time of need. “If I can do some small thing that helps people deal with their loss, that’s a good feeling.”
How you can help:• If someone you know is mourning the loss of a pet, according to Harper, “It’s so important to let people tell their story and not judge.” Listen, without too much interruption, and empathize with the pain the other person is feeling. Understand that the choices they made were out of love and do not discount their feelings or offer your own advice.
For more information: • The
Prayers, Healing and Support community provides many good resources for people during their grief including; the
Prayers, Healing and Support Forum, the
Candle Ceremony (a weekly “gathering” of people worldwide to light candles to honor departed pets, those who are ill, and other loved ones), and
Resources.
•
PetLoss.com offers many helpful links including;
pet loss hotlines,
“Grief and Pet Loss” by Dr. Margaret Muns, DVM,
“Dealing with the Guilt” by Ginger-lyn Summer, and the
Rainbow Bridge story.
•
Angels Rest Memorials•
“What This Circle of Healing Does” by Marg Kowalski
•
“Deciding When & How To Humanely Euthanize a Companion Animal” by Eric L. Nelson, MS, MA and Sharon Zito, DVM
•
“Saying Goodbye” by Faith Maloney
• Harper recommends that adults read
Blessing the Bridge: What Animals Teach Us About Death, Dying, and Beyond by Rita Reynolds and
Cat Heaven and
Dog Heaven by Cynthia Rylant for children.
Photo credit: taken by Jennifer Hayes at Angels Rest, the memorial park at Best Friends.