How do you resolve your feelings and get past anger to move on to sorrow and acceptance when your pet is taken from you prematurely? Hypertrophic cardiomypathy took our Pearl at only 2 years old with no warning. I don't know what to do with my feelings. I am beside myself.
- Diana
Diana...I am very sorry for your loss...
There are no answers for your questions--what I have found is that you simply move through the pain, day by day. You allow yourself to grieve, cry, beat pillow with your fists, scream....whatever it TAKES to FEEL the grief. Only when you have submerged yourself in the reality and the pain and you let the tears and the agony wash out of you....only then can you deal with all of the phases of grief.
Remember, there is denial, guilt, anger, and eventually acceptance....so many steps. If you miss one of the steps, you will not be able to fully heal. Only you know how long it will take you. And truthfully, even you don't know...you simply have to live each day and when you are thru it, you will know how long it took.
Our furbabies are our children. Some people would disagree, but imagine losing a 2 year old child! (Of course, we expect children to out live us and we know our animals won't), but that doesn't lessen the real grief. Our psyche's just know we have lost something precious and valuable to us.
When one of our old furbabies gets close to crossing the Bridge, we can prepare ourselves somewhat, but the horrible pain and emptiness is still there. And even if we are prepared, the grief is still unbelievable. There really is no way to prepare to lose someone you love.
I know for many of us, the solace is that no matter what, those babies go to the Rainbow Bridge. There is a reason they are called there. And knowing that they are whole and playing and watching over us is, at least, some comfort to me. In the last 2 years, I have lost a stillborn baby doeling, 3 senior dogs, an entire flock of chickens (between coyotes and dogs), a pet turkey, a duck and a goose. Only the 3 senior dogs did we sense were going to be lost, but I was not prepared for it anyway. One I put down, one died on her own a week after I put her brother down, and the other died 5 minutes before the vet drove up to put him down.
You will live through this time. It won't be pleasant. Allow yourself the grief...don't stuff it...it will make it worse. You may be numb now, that is natural...you are in shock. But know that there will be many people here on this website reaching out to you in support and sending warm candleglow to light your way.
Warm, sympathetic hugs and tears...
Candi
drz1965: How do you resolve your feelings and get past anger to move on to sorrow and acceptance when your pet is taken from you prematurely? Hypertrophic cardiomypathy took our Pearl at only 2 years old with no warning. I don't know what to do with my feelings. I am beside myself. - Diana
Time will help resolve those feelings, Diana. Anger is one of the stages of grief mentioned in an article written by Dr. Margaret Muns, DVM several years ago. it might help if you read that article: Grief and Pet Loss, and understand that you are not alone in the way you feel, and that most of us have also experienced them to one degree or another. (if there isn't a link to the article in this post you can find one by clicking Resources, then scrolling down to the "External Links" section).
it's been my experience that the loss of a young animal can increase the intensity of grief. Many years ago we adopted an adorable puppy from a local shelter. After only a few weeks he became very ill from something that could have been Parvo, though that disease hadn't been identified at the time. In spite of the vet's best efforts little Banjo crossed the Rainbow Bridge. I really felt cheated when he died, cheated of the many years of joy and love I was anticipating with him, and I still wonder what he would have been like as a young adult and as a wonderful senior boy. The loss of those expectations adds to the burden of our grief, I believe.
I believe, though, that Banjo is waiting with our other beloved animals at the Rainbow Bridge, and that I will see him there someday, just as you will oneday be reunited with your beloved Pearl.
Would you like to have Pearl added to the list for the Candle Ceremony? I'm sure Marg will add her for next Monday evening if you wish.
Hugs
Marion
How do you resolve your feelings and get past anger to move on to sorrow and acceptance when your pet is taken from you prematurely?
I really don't know that we can do anything to help us move through the myriad feelings that are connected to loss, Diana. I wish I could give you some suggestions, I felt the same shock, disbelief and helplessness when my Pixiecat left us overnight 4 years ago. Under so many circumstances we, although we can't change them, can concentrate on some activity and push anger, worry, frustration, etc. into the background. But when we lose someone we love (and Love never counts legs or checks to see if the loved one wears skin, fur, feathers or scales) the feelings fill our minds and leave very little room to think of anything else, don't they?
I'm very sorry that you had to say goodbye to your precious Pearl so much too soon. I imagine that, in addition to the "normal" feelings of loss, you are feeling very cheated. And you have been cheated of so much.... years of love and Jewel Memories, cuddles and games, and just plain quiet times of love shared.
I'd be very glad to add Pearl to the Candle Ceremony Bridgelist, and also add you to the Human Needs section of the Ceremony if you wish. And can you tell us the date that Pearl got her wings? That way I can add her name to the Anniversary list for the week of her Bridge Anniversary.
Very gentle huggles and many prayers
Marf
Diana ~ I'm so sorry for your loss. And yet, I am appreciative of finding your post here. Yesterday morning, my beautiful Buster had a massive seizure in front of me, and he was gone before I had even scooped him up and was out the door to the vet. He would have been 4 next month and was otherwise healthy. Completely unexpected and shocking, and although I know it's not even been 48 hours, I am already tired of how easily I cry and how sore my eyes are. :(
But everyone has good advice here and so I appreciate reading that too. We lost Buster and his sister Jasmine's momma four years ago, also quite suddenly after her spaying surgery, and I know that time is the only thing that really helps heal. I'm just waiting for time to pass. In the meantime, what I am trying to do is focus on the four great years Buster & I had together, and not the horrid suddenness of his passing.
Best wishes to you, and to anyone else who might find themselves in here for the same reason.
-Ana
PS. Though you can't see his handsome face, that's him in my photo, hanging out on my laptop. He was SUCH a character.
Ouch...Diana, Ana...ouch. This is so painful for both of you. Candleglow continues to follow you and your babies are at the Bridge watching over you. Look up when tears allow and let yourself see them in your mind's eye...because they are there.
Thank you, Candi. :)
Another reason I came into the forum, although I'm not certain it's the right place (and I haven't yet found what seems to be an appropriate forum), is to ask about people's advice on getting a new cat. Buster left behind his sister, and because they were litter-mates and so she's always had a companion, I wonder about how long she should be without one (not counting me, of course). Honestly, the grief is so new ... I do not personally feel ready and I can think of any number of reasons to wait weeks, months. But I also want to make sure that Jasmine is not mourning too long and staying too lonely. If people have experience with this, I'd love to hear it.
Ana...
I don't think there are any pat answers for any of your questions. I know I have not felt "ready " to take on a new pet, yet there "it" was. And there were obvious signs that it was up to me to step up. Having said that...you do need to listen to what your heart tells you. And you need to watch the sis left behind. I was always told that a dog could be ONE because "you" become their pack. But cats are fiercely independent and yet, they are very social and have their own type of independent/pack mentality (if that is possible, but if you love a cat, you know you are nothing until a cat ignores you....)
Circumstances and animals are all different. If you are gone for work during the day, she will be more lonely than if you are at home during the day. Try not to analyze this too much. Watch sis. Check in to yourself and see how you are feeling. Magic and serendipity happen. You may end up with a stray showing up; you may go to Petsmart and find an adoption thing going....and someone grabs your heart.
It's really too soon (unless that precious kitten shows up on your doorstep tomorrow morning)...to imagine what the future will look like, but be assured...the future will happen and it will happen right on time...
Hugs and candleglow...
ask about people's advice on getting a new cat.
First of all, Ana, welcome to the Circle of Healing that is in this forum. I'm very sorry that your Buster left you so quickly and much too soon. We feel so helpless, cheated and angry then, don't we? May I suggest that you add Buster to the list of those who have crossed Rainbow Bridge on the Candle Ceremony and join us on Monday evening in lighting our candles and remembering those we love who have crossed the Rainbow Bridge? I'd be glad to add him for you, and can also add Jasmine to those with Special Needs as she grieves for her brother. If you would like to be added to the Human Needs list I would be glad to do that too. I post the lists on Sunday evening.
I can't tell you when you should get another kitty, for that's different for everyone.... and different for each of us at different times. But I can share a couple experiences that I've had and hope that helps, okay?
First of all, our Syndi (Himalayan) crossed the Bridge 12/28/80 because of something I did.... not knowing the danger of bits of tinfoil being swallowed I allowed her to play with her beloved tinfoil balls. January was a desperately cold month, and many times we saw a tabby kitty huddled against the building. Several times my husband or I would let him into the building between the two entrance doors to get warm, but we couldn't find his owners. After about 10 days we came home from shopping and found kitty with two children on the steps. I asked if he was their kitty and when they said he was I told them that he shouldn't be outside in this weather, that it was just too cold. After a few minutes we answered a knock at the door to find the children and kitty. One of the children said "Our Mom says we can't keep him, do you want him?" I felt it was just too soon after Syndi and said "No, we can't take him". But my husband said "Of course we'll take him, he can't be put back outside". We tried to find his owners and I am sure we did, but Sharon denied that he was her kitty (I sometimes babysat with her children). I wasn't convinced that I was "ready", and didn't name him. But, because we had Fluffy, I had to call him something, so started with "you Tabby kitty".... with the inevitable result that he made Tabby his name. (smile) He became a wonderful pet and a much-loved family member, adding a second part to his name, becoming Tabby HoboKitty, as he was a hobo. From January 16, 1981 until August 31, 1997, he was my big boy kitty.
Two weeks after Tabs death, I was shopping when I saw a notice on the bulletin board of the supermarket asking if someone would rescue a 5-month old kitten whose owner was dying of cancer. I shrunk from the idea and came home, telling myself it was "just too soon". After I got home I couldn't get kitten out of my thoughts, and then I started thinking of the owner, trying to find his kidden a good home while he was still able to do so. I called my husband and talked to him about it.... he wasn't much help, said "whatever you think I'll go with", not what I wanted to hear.. (smile). But we decided I could call and find out if the kitten had a new home yet, so I went back to the supermarket to get the phone number and called. The kitten was still available, and I got directions and went to take a look. I found a very pretty calico kitten who cuddled up and wanted to play. After about 20 minutes, I decided that I just couldn't "replace Tabs so soon" and said that I couldn't take her. As I was walking away I heard "Meowwww" behind me. When I looked back here was kitten hopping across the room behind me sideways with her tongue sticking out..... something Tabby did quite regularly when he wanted me to do something I was "too slow" in doing. That gave me my answer and I said "I'll take her" She came home with me, and took over the house. She managed my husband and me, and when my daughter came over, she bossed her around too. However, we had a bit of a problem.... her name was Charlotte, and she was not a Charlotte. That evening as I watched her peeking around the pedestal of the cocktail table, the name came to me, and immediately she became Pixie. Pixie crossed the Bridge October 22, 05, very suddenly during the night.
Both of these times I was reluctant to take another kitty into my heart, and in Tabby's case it took a while before I accepted the fact that he was deeply embedded there. Tabs came to us almost by default, and Pixie was a choice.... but I believe that she was Tabby's choice before she was mine. Many of us have found that our Bridgekids send us another companion, sometimes before we're "ready", other times when we're sort of looking.
Gentle huggles and many prayers
Thanks so much for your words, Marg & Candi, and for sharing your experiences. I know it has to be a personal choice, and I just hope I am open enough to see when a kitty might need me and Jasmine to take him or her in. I know there are SO many out there that need homes & I truly believe I'm meant to find one ... in time. That's how Buster & Jasmine found me in the first place--they were one of a litter of four with their mama that I rescued from the streets.I consider it fate that they came to me.
I would love for Buster and Jasmine to be added to the lists, although I will actually be traveling at that time and cannot participate myself ... so I understand if that is not "done".
Thanks again for all your support. :)
God Speed Perl and Buster!
Until one has loved an animal, part of one's soul remains unawakened. ~ Anatole France
It's been my experience that the next cat (or dog) really does find us, or that the newest Bridge angel sends them. There is really no set time to wait, IMO. That is as individual a thing as we are. My only advice to you is to keep your heart, mind and eyes open and wait for fate to lead you to Jasmine's new companion.
Speaking to the list issue, even though there is a suggested time for the Candle Ceremony that, like the suggested format, is not engraved in stone. If I can't light my candles on Monday at 8 p.m. my time I do it early or later, or simply take time to send special loving thoughts to my Bridge babies where ever I happen to be, whenever I can find a bit of quiet time. There's no reason at all that Marg can't add your feline babies to the lists now, and I'm sure she will do so.
I'm so sorry for your losses of Pearl and Buster. Can I plant something for them in my Memory Garden in the Spring? I started the Memory Garden in 1998 when we lost our cat Buddy (Butterball) to FIV and FLV. He was only three years old. I also lost a much loved horse I raised from a foal to colic. He had never been ill in his life and one day he was alive and the next he was gone despite our efforts to save him.
As for getting another pet: At this point I have no plans to get another horse, but before I lost my beloved Siamese Pinky at age 20, I knew she was failing and she was drawing away. I started volunteering at a shelter and there helped groom and socialize cats, clean boxes and play with them. I also set eyes on the wildest group of kittens I had ever seen. They were not feral, just very high strung. Eventually all of them were adopted except one. I lost Pinky on July 27 and on August 5 I adopted the now 5 month old kitten. She did not interact with people and would hide or sit at the top of the condo and hiss at people.
The kitten, named Selenium, became Savannah Fluffanella and for the first two weeks in isolation at our house I did not see much of her. I would go in the sunroom where she was sequestered and read to her or listen to music and nap. When I woke one afternoon to find her purring on my chest I knew we turned the corner. She is still extremely spirited and active and with our later adopted Beau Cheddar, they keep us laughing with the crazy things they do. She is a lap cat only to me and has her own version of playing, along with interesting somewhat inappropriate ways to get attention. I think Pinky somehow led me to her, not as a replacement, but as a successor.
KimW
Flagstaff AZ
Hi, Ana.
I will actually be traveling at that time and cannot participate myself ... so I understand if that is not "done".
But participation in the Ceremony at any particular time isn't one of the criteria for listing, Ana. (gentle smile) As Marion said, even adhering to the suggested time isn't necessary.... so often there are other things that we must be doing, and I've even "done" the Ceremony at midnight when I haven't been home during the evening. Jasmine and Buster are on the Special Needs and Bridge lists and you are very much in my prayers. Also, Buster's name will be added to the Master Anniversary list and will be posted there during the week of his Bridge Anniversary each year, where he'll again be remembered with prayers and the glow of candles.
Travel safely, surrounded by the prayers of the Candle People and guided by the gentle glow of the candles.
Huggles and prayers
Thank you ... as I'm new here now, I didn't want to appear inconsiderate. :) Thank you for your support.