I wish that I didn't have to make this post tonight. I haven't been on the Network much and haven't really learned the new system yet, and for that I also apologize (though I know it isn't necessary).
Almost 14 years ago, I had just returned from the brother's memorial service and I was washing dishes. I looked out the window and there was a beautiful calico cat carrying a tiny yellow kitten through my yard. That tiny yellow kitten became known as Sparky. He loved to ride on my shoulder, until he got too big, and he loved to climb my legs. He was beautiful and loving, though at times he could be a little bit of a turd too. I tried to keep him inside, but he chose to live outside and be a semi-feral cat. He loved me and my family, but he loved being outside even more. I should have forced him to be inside. If I had, I wouldn't be writing this tonight.
Sparky endured quite a bit in his almost 14 years here with me. When he came to me, his eyes were so badly infected, I had to keep squeezing the puss out. Several years later, just before we moved to the new house when David and I got married, Sparky broke his sternum. The only explanation was that someone had kicked him while we were on our honeymoon at Best Friends. He endured surgery to remove part of the sternum that had died, drains, antibiotics, and then he wanted to go back outside. He had some arthritis and problems with ear mites, but he was always happy to see me. He and Duchess never got along. He and Misty co-existed as long as Duchess wasn't around to stir things up. But if both dogs happened to be around Sparky, they normally harrassed him, nipped at him and then lost interest, but they never hurt him. Until tonight.
I cannot get the images out of my head. Thank heaven the girls and Matthew weren't here to see it. I had walked back to the house from my in-laws' house to get bottles for the girls. I forgot to close the gate coming up onto the deck. Then I heard it. The dogs were going after Sparky. I ran back downstairs to get the dogs off the deck but I couldn't get them to let go. This was the first time they had ever been this bad. The images will haunt me forever. I was finally able to get Misty off of Sparky and then Duchess, but the damage was already done. I killed Sparky. My carelessness cost Sparky his life. I couldn't get him to a vet (the closest 24 hour vet is over an hour away) and it wouldn't have mattered anyway. The outcome would have been the same and he would have suffered for a longer period of time. David's cousin came over to do what had to be done, since David is at work and won't be home until tomorrow. I can't bear the thought of it, that I couldn't save him, I couldn't get the dogs off of him, I left the gate open. The responsibility rests on me. I have cried until I can't cry anymore. I can't change it, I can't fix this, which is hard enough since I am used to fixing things.
Sparky came into my life just as I lost my brother. I loved him and I failed him. I know he doesn't blame me, he is where there is no pain, no anger, no blame. I know this in my head but my heart is smashed. I have always tried to be so careful. I know that Duchess and Misty individually have a high prey drive, together, they are a pack and they did what a pack does. I don't blame them. This isn't their fault.
Meemaw and Poppa are keeping the girls tonight and Matthew is at a friend's house. So here I sit, with the rest of the cats, including Sparky's sister, Gizmo. I've tried not to completely lose it, and have failed miserably at that. I knew I could come here and find support. I know you all won't judge me. I've already judged myself anyway.
Marg, would you please add Sparky to the Bridge List? Sparky, beautiful orange and white cat, Sept. 1995 - 29 July 2009.
Sparky - I am so sorry. I loved you and I will never forget you. This shouldn't have happened to you. Please forgive me.
Amanda
Oh, Amanda, I'm glad I came here to read the whole story of Sparky and I'm glad you braved the new format to reach out to others here, too. Accidents with such dire consequences are so, so hard to forgive ourselves for. I'm glad that at least your head realizes that you must, eventually. Sparky certainly doesn't want you carrying such a heavy burden of guilt around. I'm sorry also for the loss of yet another link to your beloved big brother. I'm sure that intensifies your grief. Try to be kind to yourself and know that our thoughts are with you and Sparky.
Oh, Amanda, I am so sorry to hear about this. I can only imagine how bad you feel. There are always a thousand "ifs" for these things, and the fact is we all have these moment. I can no more fault you than I would fault the sun for shining. It just happens. It's that simple and that complicated.
You stop paying attention for just a second and that's all it takes. Then you feel mountains of guilt. You mourn. You might even feel terrible the rest of your life (I do over the carelessness that caused me to lose my baby black chick when I was a child, and the argument that I was just a child doesn't ease the pain and guilt, btw). But hopefully at some point you will permit yourself to have failings and flaws and to be thankful for all the good you did Sparky, for the years of friendship and love you provided him. There is NO WAY a moment's distraction will take that away, and there is NO WAY it can even begin to stack up against all that. Just keep in mind that you wouldn't hold it against someone else if you knew how much they loved you. Sparky feels the same way.
You're in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing the pain and weight is lifted from your heart soon.
Jean & the Tux
Carrie and Jean,
Thank you so much!! I'm afraid to close my eyes tonight because I'm afraid it will be just a complete movie clip of what happened. At least hopefully in the morning, the swelling in my hand will go back to somewhat normal. My two last remaining semi-ferals were here tonight for dinner, so at least they are okay.
Thank you for your understanding, compassion, and kindness!!
Much love,
Amanda,
I am so,so sorry for the pain, anguish and all the other emotions you are wracking your body with over this horrible incident. As a mom you know you can't be everywhere, all the time. And this is one of those instances. You have to think of all the good you did for this beloved little feral and how much you brought to his life over the course of the years. The issue with his eyes, the broken bones from an assumed incident. Sparky loved you, and you both gave to each other in your own ways. He is now at the Bridge, in the green green grass, sunshine and flowers, frolicking, pain free and never to endure pain, suffereing, cruelty and the elements again. I am sure God Himself was waiting with open arms to welcome him, hold him and comfort him when he arrived. Sparky knows how you loved him, and will tell you when he meets you again at the Bridge. None of us can give you magical words to ease your pain, only time will help. You will continually wonder the "what ifs" or "should haves". You gave him so much more than anyone else could. You MUST remember all the good, all the love and joy. Please know I will pray for peace for your mind and heart.
Warm thoughts and prayers,
MaryLou
Oh Amanda
I feel your pain in your post and understand only too well. When we first moved to Salt Lake, we had two special dogs with us, Lisa's Laddy and John's Boots. We were living with Lori in a very small house and there wasn't room inside for the dogs. But there were several nice sheds behind the house and we used one for the dogs at night. One night, the wind blew very hard and when I went out to get the dogs the next morning, the door was open and they were gone. I had not secured the door properly when I put them away. Laddy came home later that day, but we never saw Boots again.
When we rescue many animals, it is inevidible we will make some mistakes. Humans are not perfect. You did right for Sparky for 14 years. You probably could not have kept him inside and happy. Smokey was the same kind of cat. When she broke her leg at 9, my vet said she should never go outside again. For 6 months, I kept her in the basement while she recovered, but eventually, I had to let her back out. It was her nature to be half wild. Only when she got too old and frail to be out did I finally contain her. She adjusted, but never stopped trying to escape.
You did well by Sparky. His long life says it all. You are a very good and kind person who gave this boy 14 years he probably wouldn't have had without you. Hopefully that is what you will come to focus on. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Nora
{{{hugs}}} I am so sorry for your loss.I wish there were a magic wand that I could wave and everything would be ok again but there is not.Please be kind to yourself and try to rember all the good happy times that you and Sparky shared.Time will help dull the sharp painfull memories of his last few moments here on earth and I hope that someday all you will remeber is the sweet fun times of his very long good 14years with you.I will light a candle and say a prayer for Sparky and you also.
Jenny
Big hugs Amanda {{{ }}}
I know you feel awful, and this has been said, but I must say again, it was an accident.
Sparky was loved very much and he knows that.
Kay
Until one has loved an animal, part of one's soul remains unawakened. ~ Anatole France
MaryLou, Nora, Jenny and Kay,
Thank you all so much for the kind words and understanding. I have been beating myself up and I know that it won't change anything. I still see it happening over and over every time I close my eyes. I know that Sparky isn't in pain anymore, and I know he doesn't blame me. I can't blame the dogs either. As much as I will miss his drooling and kneading, his persistent meow, his climbing my legs,I know that I will see him again and he will knead me and climb me, and drool all over me again. He is up at the Bridge with his Mom, Tigg, and his younger sister Runt, along withthe Cat Father of the all, Gimp the Imp, and they are creating havoc and having a blast romping through the fields and chasing butterflies.
On the bright side (if there is one) my hand does not appear to be broken, just incredibly swollen at this point, but I'm on antibiotics for the bites and the swelling shoud go down in a day or two. Thankfully, I have a puppy transport tomorrow and nothing heals like puppy breath!!
Thank you all again,
Amanda and the Nuts
I think we always blame ourselves when something awful happens, Amanda, especially when it happens to one of the furkids - or feather kids. I still feel guilt for the inattention that led to the premature passing of our lovebird, Hillary, when I let myself forget to check a spot in her cage that I knew was a potential problem. She got out while I was at work and all I ever found was one of her tail feathers. Likely one of the dogs ate her, but I never knew which one, and I didn't want to know.
I don't think you were online much a year ago last February when my inattention nearly cost Sierra her life. We have gates on either side of the house leading into our back yard which are always padlocked, and a gate across the driveway which is kept closed unless one of us is out. Brad had been working on breaking up the ice that had formed under the rain gutter and under the gate on the north end of our front yard. Later in the afternoon he went to a movie with his cousins. He forgot to close that gate, and I didn't think to check before I let the dogs out in the back yard. Max came in when called. Sierra didn't. I spent an endless half hour walking the neighborhood looking for her.
Thanks to a passer by who had seen Sierra and realized I was searching I finally found her - across the very busy street just south of our home. It ended well - this time - but I'm almost paranoid about checking the side gates now whenever the gate on our driveway is open, and I still wake up in the night and have to check to make sure she's still here.
I guess the point is, Amanda, we're human. We get busy, we get tired, and we make mistakes. With the twins and all the wonderful animals you care for, not to mention a husband and teen aged son, you have a lot on your plate. Sparky doesn't need to forgive you, since I'm sure he never for a moment judged you, but you do need to try to forgive yourself, and to give yourself permission to be a human being, a very loving and compassionate human, with a heart big enough to love them all. A heart big enough to grieve deeply and feel guilt for a very common human failing.
Please don't let the last few hours of Sparky's life become the defining moment of his 14 years. Please don't let that cancel out the happy memories and the love you shared every minute of those years and share still.
Hugs
an equally fallible human,
Marion
Amanda, I'm so sorry for what happened to Sparky, and for the anguish that you're feeling about it. You gave him a really wonderful home for a long time. You cared for him when he was injured, loved him and healed him. That's really what counts.
Hugs, Sam
Amanda- Tonite I came home from Mkt. nt. where I took one of my foster dogs looking for a home for him. My kitten brothers (a year old in April) Caruso (17 lbs. +) & Tuxie (about 14-15 lbs.) were sitting at one of the living room windows that I had left open because it has a screen. I settled in my chair & saw Caruso jump down from the window & a few minutes later, with Tuxie still there, I noticed something white hanging down the middle of the window. I got up &, to my horror, the screen was open, leaving easy escape for the cats. Thank goodness, neither cat had jumped out but had they & gotten lost or worse, I, too, would have blamed myself, even tho I never have felt the need to check the screens but, I guess I should. And there have been times that I have left my backyard gate open & all of my dogs ran out & down the street. Luckily they came back but.... So, you get my drift. I, too, would feel bad but at some point, I would have had to weigh all the good vs. my one mistake; I hope you can do the same. You are a good person & have gone over & above for all those that you love; 2 legged & 4 legged. Please take care. Geri
Amanda, I am so sorry. We had this happen to one of our foster kittens a couple of years ago after she was adopted out. I never thought I'd get those bad memories out of my head , but eventually the good memories of little Violet prevailed. And I think the same will happen with you. If you had not taken him in when he was a baby, he would have died from the eye infection. You gave him such a long and good life. You've got prayers coming from me today.
Amanda - I'm so very sorry to hear about Sparky....it surely was traumatic for you, but think, now, of the 14 years of love and care Sparky had with you. I'm sure he is bragging about his Mom at the Bridge....and yes, you and he will be reunited one day. Those terrible images will gradually lose their sting..I pray that you will more and more remember the happy times with your beloved Sparky. Gloria
Amanda, I have just now found your post. I'm having a terrible time with the new network.
There is absolutely nothing more I can say that has not already been said. So I will send you (((hugs))) and my love.
You are the best mom I know to your two-legged and four-legged kids. Just know that Eric was waiting for Sparky with open arms. They are safe together.
Frankie